Updated: Jun 20, 2021
Today on Coach's Corner, that's what we're going to be talking about: How to fix yourself as an adult. But before we get into the subject, make sure that you subscribe and click like to this video! When you were a kid, your only source for information for how to get through the world are your caregivers. and don't get me wrong, most caregivers do the best job that they can. But that doesn't mean that there's still information that doesn't get through. Sometimes parents and caregivers, in general, have a really hard job. They have to teach you everything there is to know about the world to teach you how to survive as an adult.
Let me start off by saying this isn't about putting blame on anyone. Again, they did the best job they could with what they had. But your parents (you might not believe this) they're people too. It's hard for someone to do everything they need to do to get you ready for the world.
All right for example; taxes. How many of us went to school that never really taught us how to do taxes? Now we're an adult and we're like "oh crap how do I do this?" So depending on what your parents focused on teaching you when you were little if they taught you how to do finances, great you have a concept of how to do finances as an adult. They taught you how to focus on relationships, you now have a blueprint for how to focus on relationships. Everything they gave you is a blueprint and without the blueprints, we really didn't know how to do anything. We kind of figured it out as we went along. It goes for finances, relationships working with others teamwork, and emotional intelligence. If our caregivers didn't really teach us how to process emotions, we really didn't have a template for how to do it.
I used the analogy to be a little kid. I'm a little kid on an island and the world is off this island and I have to build a bridge to figure out how to interact with the world. So I'm going to use what I have. I'm going to use cotton candy. I'm going to use legos. Whatever I can to build this bridge because I don't really have a blueprint. And now as an adult, I look at this bridge and I'm like how in the hell is this thing standing? This thing shouldn't be working at all. but it's all I've known. It's the only bridge that I've used and only now as an adult can I look back with some clarity and say, okay I need to rethink the way that this thing works. Because it served its purpose at the time but now it's not serving me anymore. I have to grow and this is where it comes to fixing yourself as an adult. You now are aware of issues in your life that maybe you want to work on. you can't say, "well I'm not going to fix it because it wasn't my fault this even happened to me." Granted, it wasn't your fault that it happened to you. But now that you're aware of it, it is a hundred percent your responsibility to do something about it!
We talked about radical acceptance in the last video and the five remembrances of Buddhism. The fifth remembrance is the one I really want you to focus on here. Your actions are the ground on which you stand. Your actions are your only true belongings. Radical acceptance also means radical responsibility. You're responsible for your actions. Yes, you didn't get the right blueprints as a kid, but now you're looking at the bridge and you know it doesn't work. So what are you going to do to fix it? Here are a couple of tips. First tip: be honest with yourself. What is it that you really need to work on? And if you have someone that you love that you trust their opinion, with an open mind, maybe ask them. Or better yet, meditate. Meditation is the best way to really listen to what's going on and figure out what it is that maybe you should be focusing on.
Once you've been honest with yourself about what you should work on, instead of self-improvement focus on self-compassion. A lot of us carry around these big bags of shame because we think we're deficient in one area of our lives and what we try to do is bury ourselves in "I'm gonna be a better person." But we really just shame that little inner child in us that never got to grow. That never knew how to build that bridge. and so we end up developing almost two selves. We have the shadow self, and then we have the outward projection of who we are.
We're getting into topic for another podcast, that's going to be a great one.
To prevent yourself from going down the shame spiral focus on self-compassion. Because if you don't love yourself and you don't really accept yourself, all the self-improvement in the world isn't going to matter. Sometimes I remind my clients all we are are old children. There wasn't a bolt of lightning that hit us at 18 years old that made us this adult. We are the same people we were when we were five years old. We forget that sometimes. We're the same person we've always been, just at a different point. We still have those same fears if we haven't worked through them. We still have those same vulnerabilities. It's a matter of us to figure out how do we grow? You might be asking, "what does self-compassion look like?" Well, self-compassion starts with not talking negatively to yourself. That inner monologue where you just berate yourself all day long in your head. I do have some helpful tips for my clients on how to realize that that inner monologue isn't really you. Because you're the observer of that voice you're not the speaker of that voice.
Another powerful way to practice self-compassion is what I've already mentioned: meditating. Just being still just listening to the silence and embracing the silence. We're always in such a hurry to go nowhere because we keep ourselves so busy all the time. We don't work on fixing ourselves. it's a distraction. Maybe you're asking yourself, "Why do I even need to do this? Why do I even need to fix myself as an adult?" Honestly? You don't have to! It's a matter of do you want to? Do you want to lead a more powerful life? Do you want to be the best version of yourself that you can be? There's a quote by John Henry Newman that I really think speaks to what I'm talking about here: "Growth is the only evidence of life." So if you're not growing, what's the alternative?
Fixing yourself as an adult, it's not easy. It's a process. there are people who are really equipped to be able to help you do this. If you want to figure out how you got to where you are now based on what happened in your past, a therapist might be a great choice for you. If you want to go from where you are now and concentrate on who you want to be, a life coach is great to be able to give you some clarity to figure that out. So if you need some help figuring out where you want to go with your life, maybe give me a call. And don't forget starting next Tuesday, May 4th I'm starting a weekly series on radical acceptance. Small group Tuesday nights at 6 PM pacific time which is here in Arizona for now. It's a four-part series every Tuesday night in May. I have five slots left. if you want to sign up for this workshop, I'm going to include the link in the details below. Check it out I'd love to have you there. Thanks so much for watching!